UNCERTAINTY DIES TONIGHT: Lackey the Listicle Ranks the Halloween Franchise
Hi, there… Me again. Lackey the Listicle. Here to listlessly list, for you, the definitive Lackey the Listicle listicle of the Michael Myers’ murder maelstrom, otherwise known as the Halloween film franchise.
Arguably the three most iconic horror villains of all time are Freddy Krueger, Jason Vorhees, and – of course – Michael Myers. The earliest of them is also the one most recently in cultural consciousness with the recent revival of the Halloween franchise with a trilogy of films produced by Blumhouse and directed by David Gordon Green. The visionary presence of John Carpenter (who wrote and directed the 1978 original) is also on scene as producer and composer, and we of course have the legendary scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis back as Laurie Strode.
In celebration of the recent release of Halloween Kills (the latest and currently penultimate installment in the franchise, let there be no ambiguity regarding the objective ranking of Halloween films, as with this published article, UNCERTAINTY DIES TONIGHT …
13. Halloween Resurrection
A dreadful misfire on all counts. It has a truly noteworthy opening 10 minutes (which sadly negates one of the strongest endings in the entire franchise), but then proceeds to pursue an absurdly convoluted trek through reality show and POV camera mayhem. The performances are almost universally terrible (although Busta Rhymes delivering a swaggering “Trick or treat, mother&^$%&” before kicking ass is unquestionably delightful), the script is simply ridiculous, and the production value is notably sub-par. If you must see it, watch it with a group of friends who will be happy to laugh at it along with you.
12. Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers (theatrical)
Having been thrown a grenade of a gauntlet with the ending of Halloween 5, any sequel would have a daunting uphill climb to try to make sense of the continually more complicated mythology. This one starts off wonky with an absurd time jump (the adolescent Jamie from parts 4 & 5 now suddenly is about to give birth merely a few years later?) and then proceeds to ramble its way through a convoluted cult subplot that unwisely positions Michael Myers as merely a henchman cog in a bigger villainous wheel. The presence of Paul Rudd as a grown Tommy Doyle from the original makes this one at least more watchable than Resurrection, but it aims at more graphic violence and a choppier editing style than any previous entry, which makes it feel unfocused and frantic. It get points for ambition, but little else.
11. Halloween II (2009)
This one almost has to be seen to be believed. Rob Zombie’s remake of the original was a certifiable financial success, so a sequel was inevitable. Zombie seized the opportunity to take the legend of Michael Myers to places no previous entry had even considered, let alone dared. Zombie’s unique vision of a messy, punishingly violent world where the characters are raw (and largely unlikeable) makes a character like Michael Myers seem not only fitting, but almost admirable. And that is insane. Add to that a bizarre, hypnotic recurrence of a mystical white horse and Michael’s mother’s ghost and you have got a film that is strangeness unbridled. But even in the demise of vastly unlikeable characters, the film seems to almost enjoy the brutal depravity with which it is operating, and I always end this film feeling like I need to take a shower to wash it all off (its treatment of the character of Annie is almost offensive). It is at least interesting enough to rise above Curse and Resurrection, but not really worth recommending unless you’re insatiably curious.
10. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers
This is probably the weakest entry in the franchise that I still say is worth a watch. It’s heavily influenced by Italian giallo films, which makes it simultaneously very interesting and very confused. The kills can be brutal, but also somewhat elegant, and the seeds of the cult of Thorn which would see its expanse in Curse attempts to broaden the mythology in ways that never quite congeal in the franchise. A psychic connection exists between Jamie and Michael that is interesting but never fully realized (and sadly the excellent ending to Return is completely abandoned). This one also gets my vote for the WORST Myers mask in the whole series (and no I don’t mean the one he’s wearing in the truck). The ending attempts another cliffhanger, but unfortunately one that is so disconnected from the primary narrative that it feels forced and tacked on. I find that fans of Italian giallo films tend to really embrace the weirdness of this one, and embrace its disjointed elements as laudable rather than frustrating. Take that as either recommendation or caution as you wish.
9. Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers (Producer’s Cut)
Yes, Halloween 6 already appeared on this list (and much lower), but the Producer’s Cut is so vastly different in tone, style, and narrative as to warrant its own placement in this ranking. If you’ve seen The Curse of Michael Myers, but NOT the producer’s cut of the same film, this is really worth checking out. Featuring more than 45 minutes of completely different footage, it includes more substantiation for its characters (particularly for Dr. Loomis and everything related to the cult of Thorn). Its tone is much more in alignment with the rest of the franchise, the deaths are less violent and more suspenseful, and the ending is significantly easier to follow and understand (despite still being quite a stretch). All told, this one might benefit tremendously by comparing it to the theatrical cut (because it’s still a highly flawed entry) but it still merits consideration from any fan of the franchise.
8. Halloween (2007)
Rob Zombie was a bold and exciting choice to remake Halloween. His previous films showed a singular visionary style and I was eager to see how he would update this story. The result is essentially two different films in a singular run time. The first hour deals with the childhood of Michael Myers, his fractured family unit, and the first signs of his murderous impulses. This section is Zombie’s most effective and noteworthy contribution to the Myers stories, although it has the effect of establishing Myers as a character on a developmental arc rather than a force of evil, which undermines things when the film flips to its second half (which is basically a more graphically violent and vulgar version of John Carpenter’s original). Zombie’s hand isn’t as deft when the time came to focus on Laurie Strode rather than Michael Myers and while the latter half of the film boasts some truly impressive visual sequences, it winds up feeling like an over-produced cover of a much better song.
7. Halloween Kills
The vigor that arose around David Gordon Green’s 2018 revival of the franchise, and the substantially positive response that film received, set a tremendous bar for its follow up to reach. Halloween Kills certainly isn’t formulaic and it isn’t of notably poor quality, but its intentions are so bluntly direct that it undermines its own aims. It’s like biting directly into a clove of garlic. The flavor is too saturated. It should have been called Halloween Overkills. That said, the performances are competent (if mostly broad) and the production still maintains much of the feel that made Halloween 2018 such a success. Its desire to examine the effect of Michael Myers on the entire community is admirable (and something that only Curse of Michael Myers had even attempted to acknowledge prior to this) but it wants to be more thoughtful than it actually is. And although I enjoyed it more than roughly half of the franchise’s other entries (it undeniably had its moments), it’s hard to argue against this one being a mid-tier, connecting sequel at best.
6. Halloween II (1981)
John Carpenter never envisioned, or desired, a sequel to Halloween. But when the 1978 film became an unparalleled success (at the time) of independent filmmaking, the appeal of a return to Haddonfield was too strong for the producers to ignore. Practically forced into writing it (but still refusing to direct, so the work went to Rick Rosenthal), Carpenter did everything over again, but bigger and with an attempt at a more definitive ending. What we get is a film that works fairly well in most aspects, and even adds the crucial franchise element of Laurie Strode being Myers’ unknown sister (which is why he stalks her). It has some impressive kill sequences, some really effective suspense, and a highly enjoyable climactic confrontation. It is an easy recommendation for anyone who enjoyed the original as the story picks up literally moments after the ending of the first film.
5. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers
Following the dramatically misunderstood diversion of Season of the Witch, the finality of Halloween II’s ending is walked back and Michael is merely in a coma from his injuries rather than burned alive. Dr. Loomis also now survived his fight with Michael instead of dying with him and – ironically – Laurie Strode did not (having died in a car accident). Where this positions us is that Michael escapes, Loomis hunts for him again, and his new focal point is Jamie Lloyd (played by Danielle Harris) the now orphaned daughter of Laurie. The overall impression is of a competent and effective slasher, arguably as good if not better than 1981’s Halloween II in its collective elements. But what gives this entry that added push to rise above the first sequel in the ranking is a truly remarkable shock ending, wherein it is established that perhaps the evil which fueled the Myers killings will not be extinguished when Myers is dead. The final five minutes of Return stands as one of the franchise’s most noteworthy sequences and elevates the entirety of what came before it, which was already pretty strong in and of itself.
4. Halloween 3: Season of the Witch
Unfairly maligned for nearly 3 decades, Season of the Witch has finally come into its own regard as a unique and enjoyable thriller in the past ten years. The original intent of the Halloween franchise was to tell different horror tales, all centered around the holiday of Halloween. It’s a rather brilliant idea that was sadly too ahead of its time to connect with audiences (and had the deck stacked against it by having Michael Myers be the main villain in the second film). Fans who wanted more Michael Myers finally got their wish with Part 4 and spent years dumping on this installment until critical re-evaluation began to note its distinct qualities apart from its associations. Had the film not been called Halloween III and simply been titled Season of the Witch, it’s fair to say it might have more easily found an affectionate audience. This bleak tale of corporate marketing targeting children to brutally kill them is eerily prescient and delightfully grim. It also features perhaps the finest musical score Carpenter ever composed for a full film (aside from the iconic main Halloween theme). It not only deserves consideration on its own merits, but now stands as one of the franchise’s most assured and compelling entries, despite having the otherwise main villain being completely absent.
3. Halloween H20
If considering aspects of franchise development, or even consistency, H20 would not rank as high on this list. It completely ignores sequels 4 through 6, abandoning the cult of Thorn entirely and reviving the character of Laurie Strode from the dead. It also has a uniquely 1990s vibe to it, positioning itself on the stylistic shelf next to I Know What You Did Last Summer and Scream more so than its peers in the franchise. So I would understand if others might knock this one down a few notches. However, it is tightly constructed, genuinely fun and suspenseful, good-humored, and features a welcome and committed lead performance by Jamie Lee Curtis (not to mention one of the best endings in the whole series). Its brevity and lack of preciousness about itself are really endearing, making it one of the easiest chapters in the series to revisit, even if it frequently feels more like a novelty than a progression of its own story. I don’t necessarily rank this one so high because it is objectively that good, but because I enjoy it that much. It delivers exactly what it needs to in order for its merits to shine, and any horror film prominently featuring LL Cool J as an aspiring-romantic-fiction-writer/security guard deserves bonus points automatically.
2. Halloween (2018)
If there was any controversy around David Gordon Green’s revival of the Halloween films for Blumhouse, it was that this film chose to ignore every single sequel that had come before it, while somehow still either invoking them or doing a similar thing to what they’d previously attempted. It is my opinion that this unfairly mistakes the aim of Green’s take. He’s not interested in pretending the franchise never existed (except narratively), but merely in building upon the original idea and exploring a new branch of the story’s potential (which, to be fair, had been done no less than 3 times previously). By taking things all back to their core elements (a fight to the death against an inexplicably unstoppable evil), Green managed to recapture the spirit and foundation of the original in order to push the story forward. His film is more interested in the effects of prolonged trauma, particularly when that trauma violently resurfaces, making this entry sleek without being too polished and sharp without being overwrought. By abandoning the tether of earlier mythology, Halloween 2018 is free to chart its own course, which will understandably frustrate those who hold previous installments with great affection. But for those who are more accepting of the wild and often insulated patterns of this franchise’s chapters, this return-to-form offered a breath of fresh air, and an easy on-ramp for newcomers who were curious what all the fuss was about. Even though it’s new to the party, things woke right up as soon as it arrived.
1. Halloween (1978)
Any ranking of this franchise will always and forever have the original at the top. It is a seminal film in the horror genre, and in cinema history writ large. It is tightly constructed on a modest budget, crafted with the instincts of a visionary master at the height of his talents, and remarkably accessible more than 40 years later. Seasoned horror fans who have never seen this original might find themselves unimpressed, given that innumerable clichés of the horror genre have their roots in this film, and it’s true that the scares are not as visceral as modern entries have grown to be. But this film sits among the truly great achievements of horror cinema, simple in its narrative, compelling in its characters and setting, and rich in thematic potential. It rightfully deserves its place near the top of any list of essential horror films, and at the very top of this one.
